The Children's Garden

After spending several hours in front of the tele trying to decipher Lord Krishna’s words, I had ample respect for the Lord. He was able to narrate the entire Mahabharat to Arjun, while still maintaining insane control over Arjun’s chariot. The dexterity of the act in itself demonstrated pure genius, something which was unfortunately not captured by the show’s visual effects team. Despite their tight budget, they could have atleast inserted a few words in the disclaimer and made it clear that relative motion and the laws of gravity were conveniently ignored in some scenes. They were lucky to have escaped law suites suing them for misrepresentation of facts and misleading discerning viewers such as myself! (If only I could write!) However such would only be the concerns of an amateur. When most of you, while watching this epic, must have been busy swallowing your rice balls, bhais ki doodh, idli paste and what not down your throats, I was enduring tight slaps on my cheeks for not swallowing my food. 

You may ask why I was being slapped despite my obvious stature?? 

A: When one is on the path to seek the truth or on the quest for freedom or even on the unlikely journey to find love, one does not like being questioned or slapped because one is never able to let go of one’s pride, the breakdown of which results in tears for most average people!! Just to clarify, I shed tears only because the nervous system responds to pain and not insult. However, unlike the average truth-seeker (if ever there was one amongst you), who may succumb to such overwhelming odds, I take into account 3 factors:

1. That I’m not 21    
2. That I don’t make money and; 
3. That I don’t make my own food.

  

Although my core being detests the above archaic if not self-preserving norms set forth by the rulers of society, I however firmly believe that the discerning television viewer, regardless of the above criteria, should stick to their principles and seek the truth even if it means enduring hardships!

For those who failed to grasp the essence of my reasoning:

I got slapped for keeping food in my mouth while watching Mahabharat on TV. Also I cried out helplessly! But I had a damn good reason, I’ll have you know. One just needs to understand the cause and effect relationship before laughing out loud!

Nevertheless, with such ferocious determination (despite adequate mental trauma), I was able to observe what even the most discerning viewer would have missed - the beautiful demonstration of a teacher-disciple relationship between Lord Krishna and Arjun! Truth is, it reminded me of my relationship with Jiko. He would demonstrate unbelievable maturity in even the direst circumstance and I would often take mental notes. It was his way of teaching through action.

However, off late, there has been a significant loss in telepathic understanding. I blame my superior intellect for quickly developing speech. (Speech is more efficient! My brain must have realized there is too much scope for misunderstanding and false imagery when using telepathy. Hence as part of evolution’s constant endeavor to improve the human condition, telepathy was scraped off from my list of skill sets!) I also blame Aesop’s Fables that show animals to be far more intelligent than they actually are! Infact my five-minute Mahabharat speech to Jiko, enumerating the repercussions of greed (that included making children cry) terribly backfired when he once decided to grab the entire chocolate bar from my left hand as against the single piece on my right. It was then that I realized the injustice of it all! 

While I can always shed tears, complain to the norm setters of society & family (Mom!) and get another chocolate by blaming my human brother, Jiko could never convey his feelings to us in the same way. Neither could I, mine. He was answerable to no one and could do as he pleased. Although it generated some envy in me, I came to realize it was futile to live as dog, do what you please and die in 12 years. In other words he wasn’t governed by the same norms that governed me. I realized that all the lessons given by Jiko so far were not necessarily in my best interests. If anything, he had only taught me how dogs behaved and not how humans should behave (although humans ought to take certain cues from animal behavior). I had lost faith in his abilities to dispense supreme worldly knowledge. He could never compete with the animals in Aesop’s fables. Heck he couldn’t even compete with my human brother. It was then that I realized I needed a peer (the very thought unsettled my guts) with whom I can share and compete. 

Although the humiliation meted out at the Institute’s entrance exams was fresh in my mind, I did not for once discount rational thought. I put aside my pride and decided to welcome change. 
I was a firm believer in the Darwinian theory of Evolution. The Homo Sapiens are a social species. They have evolved because they have learnt to cooperate with each other and live within the confines of a social construct (refer the 3 factors I quoted earlier). Although human beings are perfectly capable of living on their own and sometimes even managing a dignified death - say by cholesterol or diabetes (there is some sort of glory associated with their presence in your bloodline since not many of us can boast of an uncle or grandfather who died while taking on a cannon ball head on!), they cannot function in a civilized manner unless they are able to cooperate with another of their kind (hence the reason to let go of Jiko). 

History is replete with examples of cooperation among groups that have successfully furthered mutual interests (I was more interested in the fact that these groups had an autocratic nature and had a self-appointed and widely accepted leadership consisting of an individual(s)). Cooperation forged bodies like BRIC, United Nations, G- 2 to G- (N-1) [where N is the total no of countries in the world. Minimum is 2 as you need 2 to start a group and highest is N-1 because even the biggest group needs to exclude atleast 1 other country to justify its existence!). I realized if I don’t comply to standard Darwinian laws that favor the survival of groups rather than individuals, my genius would soon be lost to herds of mediocrity (I mean lets face it, EVEN I CANT TAKE ON THE ENTIRE WORLD BY MYSELF. I atleast need someone to pass on my legacy). In my case, I would have to start from humble origins – probably section A, desk 4 in Pre-KG. The simplicity and the grandeur of the plan seemed to alleviate all sensations of pain and the tears automatically stopped. Although my critics might point out that I stopped crying at the sight of small green skirts outside the said institution (another of darwin’s theories apparently which I find irrelevant), I still have faith in my reader’s abilities to put Darwin’s theories in the right perspective :)

Despite my utter disregard for the institution called The Children’s Garden and its admission process, I decided that it would be the most apt place to find a peer if not my next disciple :)

The Institution

One fine day, when i was finished with my experiments and I turned off the knob on the stove, i was caught red handed by mother dear, not that this was the first time! But this time I didnt expect what was about to happen.
 
Apparently it was time to send me to a place called school - a place where human beings are taught! It seemed unusual that I needed to be taught. But I also heard mother dear say something like, it was a place to socialise with other kids.
 
For the first time in my life (my life till now has been way too short, but considering the experience i accumulated, you have no right to compare yourself and me on similar grounds!) I felt unsure. I had been fine, learning by myself. Infact i had an older but 'not necessarily experienced' brother. I didnt even require his help, I wondered why my mother thought so little of her younger son - that he needed to 'socialise'.
 
Nevertheless, I realised I must face challenges head on (another of Jiko's lessons). So I decided to join this 'school'
Soon I was to give my first entrance test - which I didnt bother to write, because I felt it to be beneath my dignity to go through such trivial ordeals, as a result I left the paper blank. My mom was furious and gave me boiled vegetables the whole of next week!
 
I realised that sometimes it is necessary to let go of your pride when others are in control of your life! So, the next week I was to attend another interview. The day before the interview, I was being freely manhandled by my older sibling. Apparently, it is said older siblings do it to feel good about themselves! Since I was so generous and realised that denying him the pleasure would drive him insane, I allowed him to do as he pleased. As a result he hung me upside down! (Jeez! The childishness I had to put up with!) My mom looked at the both of us, especially at me in a concerned manner! I knew she was thinking about the interview. I gave her an assured thumbs up sign. Apparently that only diminished her hopes further, because my 'thumbs up' appeared as a 'thumbs down' because I was dangling upside down!
Nevertheless, I assured myself to do well as I was getting sick of boiled vegetables. 

On the day of the test, I answered most of the mundane questions. Finally we were asked to draw a rainbow. I could see most kids drawing the familiar seven colours : most were not even in the VIBGYOR order, some even included rose, magenta, cyan! Jeez such simpletons! Therefore I drew what was scientifically correct :White light, refracted through a prism leading to the splitting of white light into its constituent colours and refracted at various angles based on their wavelengths. Since I didnt bring colour pencils, I marked the colours by name. With this the NUMBER ONE position in the exam was sealed!
 
But when the results came I was shocked! I was placed 6th because the people better in rank than me had used more colours! Apparently creativity and beauty was the cynosure for judging the drawings and not logic! That meant if u drew rain, sun, some trees and an unscientific rainbow consisting of all sorts of composite colours - you are better than the guy who drew a prism, a white point source of light, a tracing paper and a VIBGYOR light that showed the correct refraction angles of the seven colours based on their wavelengths!
I was disgusted, but nevertheless mother dear was overjoyed because I was admitted as there were 10 vacancies!

Jiko

STILL GROWING..(IT TAKES A WHILE I KNOW!!)

As you may be aware, that human babies take a lot of time to grow up, both physically and mentally, very unlike the rest of the animals inhabiting the planet. While it is unfortunate that for someone as evolved as me it takes almost the same time to grow as you or any other person, I find comfort in the fact that regular humans outlive most of the other species of animals and our growth rate(physical and mental) is inversely proportional to our lifespan.

And you know exactly what that means!! Yes, I get to live longer and grow smarter (If any of you are wondering why the inverse law of physical and mental growth that was stated earlier doesnt apply me, I would ask them to please revisit the phrase 'regular humans')

So in all rationality a dog which is 12 yrs old(who knows how many in dog yrs) should look as old as a person whose touched 70. Means both have the same level of experience, same arrogant, grumpy nature and same health problems( eyes, ears, prostrate, etc)

And here comes Jiko, my pet dog who incidentally was older to me(both in dog years and human years). So that made him my elder brother(bade bhaiya, etc), although I did have a human brother as well, related by blood, but he didnt make his existence felt at the time. (If you are wondering if i called Jiko my older brother because my mom made me call so, you are totally mistaken. I have already given a perfectly good explanation within paranthesis earlier)

Jiko was the source of all things allergic and dirty. He would chase the crows to no end only to give up very soon like a sore loser. Unfortunately he would do it in the rain and spread the virus the next day. All said and done, I looked upto Jiko for the kind brother that he was. I am not joking, Jiko was kind! He would always leave half a biscuit in front of me after eating the other half. But sadly, Jiko's kindness was not received well by my parents, who would scold Jiko for not finishing his food and me for trying to eat it. Such was the bonding between Jiko and me. In a way I thank Jiko for giving me the courage to do many thing (my experiments with truth and all things dangerous) and  not be afraid of failure. Jiko always failed at chasing away the crows, instead got pecked himself, but he nevertheless tried everytime. He also said that hardships (boiled vegetables, slap on the butt and wet diapers) were part of your life and that they must be expected at every turn. These were precious life's lessons taught first hand.

I never thought I would need a teacher, but i realised that Jiko had much more experience (i was only 2!). He was a veteran. He was teaching me how I shouldnt give up. Something, that my blood brother couldnt teach :P

Jiko realised the fact that I was a genius, but nevertheless insisted that genius without hardwork is nothing. (Dont ask me how I knew. My intelect level is higher than yours and I'm able to utilise almost 60% of my brain potential therefore we communicated telepathically!!) I later came to realise that these were words spoken by some genius scientist. I'm pretty sure that he must have heard it from his dog too!

While i attribute my phenomenal growth as a child to my own genius, i do spare a thought for Jiko as well and to boiled vegetables (i was growing weary of those)!! :(

Stay tuned for more of ME

Growing Up

Well in real time it would have probably been a few weeks since the 'bewildering' experience.
Sorry readers, i apologize for that unnerving ending, but given the circumstances I too was in a state of awe.

Actually what happened was that i wet myself in a state of ecstacy oblivious to the fact that the water in the bath had since long been removed. My mother shrieked at the inevitable angst despite her meticulous efforts to clean me up during my first bath. But also at that precise moment my heightened sense of ecstacy was brought to level ground at the speed of light as soon as my mother's shriek wracked me.

That shriek compelled me to open my eyes for the FIRST time and the first thing i saw was the dark starry sky. Boy was that a pretty sight or what! It was so beautiful and I wanted to show it to the others and hence i pointed upwards.

This was followed by a series of crass cacophonies. This apparently dulled my mother's shrieks and soon she joined in the cacophony too.

Apparently, my other family members were too ecstatic about the fact that i had opened my eyes and pointed at something.

Geez!! look at the amount of text space I wasted in describing such an useless incident. Such simple people!!(no I wasnt talking about you guys, but my folks), getting excited about the tiniest miracles.

Well, I am not suggesting that opening my eyes was a miracle or anything. But still I love my parents and I'm sure they would like to make a record of every moment of my genius.

However, I am also sure the world would like to remember me for my more philosophical insight which I'm sure will come along in the due course of my life...in fact very shortly.

Well the coming days werent very eventful at least for me. It was filled with all manner of 'tiny miracles'. So it can be safe to assume that this 'phase' of my life will go down the pages of history(or rather my diary) as an incident that shall always be...deemed insignificant.

The notable achievements in this period however were:
1) my experiments with a combination of fire and body spray: my deductions- not for the faint hearted, well it did scare the shit out of me when i saw something orange and red glowing with such ferocity and later on even fiercer was the scream of a certain woman.
2)ascertaining the exact taste of polymer plastics present in toys: my deductions- not for people who are hungry or having a narrow wind passage.
3) having food in one's mouth for a prolonged period : no the taste doesnt get any better no matter how long you keep it in your mouth. Also if you dont swallow it soon enough, chances are u wont get any more food balls from ur mom as she will asssume that you are full!

Since this world is way more interesting than i may have led you to believe (yeah thats right you need to be led), there are several more discoveries that I'm sure to unearth. As my loyal readers, you are surely on the path to enlightenment.

The Awakening...

And after some cleaning and washing that helped me get rid of my gooey stench, (a kind of strange smell that only new mothers seem immune to. Everyone else is like ...ewww maybe later) i realised one thing, I probably wasn't as ghastly looking as before. That brought a wry smile on my face. "Oh! look our son just smiled. Oh! goody, goody you, thats so cute. He's already learnt how to smile."

There see, my first act of genius. They already think I'm a genius.
Well, even though the statement was morally encouraging, it did not take away the fact that i was still 'handicapped'. I could not speak, or see distinctly, though my eyes were open. I was afraid, that i was born blind...

But...my brain, as brilliant as it is was able to deduce that it couldn't possibly be the case, else the docs would have pointed it out. With that in place, it was official...
I was a genius born free of defects!!

However, the most worrying part was that i still couldn't see and had no idea how much time had passed.
My ears only registered noises that sounded like a radio without signal. But i took refuge under the fact that even Einstein was partially deaf.

Ruminating about everyday life, it wasn't long before I was given my first bath.
The warmth that I felt sent me back to the time when I was still in the womb. To be frank I didn't reminisce too long as there hadn't been much to like in there (no offence to my mom) apart from the warmth, but nevertheless that was the only sojourne experience I could relate to.

The bath water was simmered to a temperature of indescribable warmth that could make an active person extremely lazy and a lazy person...well...even lazier.
Given my situation it felt like an ideal and god-sent time to relieve myself and fill the bath with more warmth.

And then...there was a shriek, and some chaos ensued. It was apparently all over in a flash, and everyone smiling in the end with me being the only bewildered spectator staring at a vast darkness dotted with white throughout and my hands outstretched...
...thus was the awakening

The Baby is out..phew

"...Huh what's going on? Where am I? And more importantly WHERE AM I?"

I was plagued with questions without any answers to provide respite. All I knew was that i had come to know some strange language which I seemed to be fluent in but then there were more questions. How did i know the language?

All that surrounded me was a sticky gooiness that provided an unusual warmth. "Wonder what this place looks like?"

I tried to open my eyes, but they werent there! Then a realisation dawned

Maybe its like in the 'Matrix', when 'Neo' was retrieved from the 'Sentinels'- an event signifying the birth of 'The One', etc, etc. I was probably in a similar state- inside a gooey pod. I did a joyous kick in the air and immediately heard a faint echoish sort of voice-a female voice.

Did 'Neo' too hear voices when he was in the pod. Who knows?

"Oh! This pregnancy is going to last for another 3 months isnt it? I can already feel the baby kick"

Then just as randomly these thoughts had appeared, they dematerialised.

(This is just a glimpse of the baby's imagination and you can be rest assured that this baby would grow up to give such outrageous insights to simple scenarios)

Anyway after that realisation dawned, i quickly made the calculations based on my finger and toe sizes and I realised that I should be out by another 2 months. Anything too soon or too late and who knows how I might look! Not that i'm looking too great at the moment or anything, but hey sometime later in my life i'm going to learn how to use a mirror.

Well one might think that i'm contradicting the female voice that earlier said 3 months.
I dont want to sound supercilious or anything but normally mothers under stress always forecast the worst!!!
C'mon mom you can do it!! You just have to ensure you eat well, sleep well and...well...basically ensure that i'm given the utmost importance 'cos i can guarantee that both dad and you have made the best investment ever.

So it hit me, that i had a lot to say and a whole lot more to do once i made the grand entry (or is it the exit) into the world. I'm sure one must have guessed why all these are necessary? It is all so that I can lead a comfortable early life with the best care possible.
Hmmm...so I had to prepare a speech then...
Damn!! My brain is too small to memorize any sort of speech and there is obviously no pen and paper here and on top of that there is too much disturbance outside.
"Mom, Dad, could you ask someone to turn down the volume please, your genius son is thinking here"

But I guess a mother's womb is something of a greenhouse- it lets in sound but doesnt let out any!! Oh what the hell, I just realised i cant speak, so i guess i'll leave it till nature decides to gift me with a mouth.

Boy is it irritating- i'm a growing baby but the space seems to only get smaller, I have a mouth but i cant speak, I got a brain thats as big as a peanut and on top of that i dont look great at least not with with the generous coating of goo over me. I just want to get out and my legs gave a kick and oooops... i thought i heard a shriek.

then something gross and disgusting having five large projections grabbed my head and started tugging it.

Hey what the hell!!
The next thing i knew i was blinded by some sort of light.
Wait a minute, was i out already. hey what about the speech that I was supposed to give- ok here goes nothing-
"My dear parents, I'm pleased to..."- but i'm sure i didnt hear these words, all I could hear was "waaaa waaaa" and due to some reason I couldnt stop crying.
Oh my god! this is the worst possible entry( or exit-damn does it matter!!) ever.

No brilliant speech, horrible looks- bad investment?

Then i heard mom say, "Phew the baby's out. Wasnt he a handful!!"

Disclaimer!!

Thank you people for viewing this blog. I guess you must thank your stars or rather i must thank yours!!
Firstly the blog is titled pensive for an innate reason. It is because the blog is a recollection of my precious life from the time my body had agglomerated enough grey cells to form the brain.
Secondly, i would like to caution the viewers against any misconception arising from the fact that this blog is totally surreal. I totally understand your misconception. But that is why this is special. It reflects some of my own thoughts and opinions on matters that might seem beyond my comprehension at certain stages.
Finally, i would recommend the viewers 'to go to hell with their judgemental logic' and just enjoy the non-stop nonsense that seems to happen...
Thank you..enjoy the posts. I'll try to keep updating as quickly as possible.